Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Earth
Posts: 512

Well , before I decide to work anymore on this , I'd like you to evulate the first 2 chaps of my fanfic. Tell me how it is and a 1-10 scale rateing

Please Ignore the constant spelling errors , I make typos and have not gotten a chance to fix many of them.

Chapter 1

Author: Harrison "Disaster" Rudolph
Story: The Arrival: A Freespace 2 Story
Chaperter: 1 - The Leaveing

As I think about the past , I begin to understand myself. The others of whitch I knew do not appear in my memory as though I had put a mental block there. But I know who they are , and I somehow know that they're watching.
My name is Alexander , but I'd prefer you call me Alex. I live in what was once known as the GTVA. Or atleast thats what I think it was called.
I'm not exactly sure what happend , but I can remember gun fire of some sort. Blood on my leg , was I bleeding? No. It was blood from my father who was killed. The blood from his head dripped on my leg as he gripped onto it as he lived the last moment of his life. From there , I can remember the sky going on fire. An array of red and dark colors lit up the sky. It was an unbeleiveable sight , until they left.
Atleast thats what they told me , the other ones here. I'm not sure if I should beleive them..but what else is there to do?
The time is 2504. The sky is still inflamed , even when night falls... I can see a person in the darkness.
My shack was quite small with an old bed and basket infront of it made out of ash. I woke up just after the fire rose from the darkness of space. I walked outside , where ruins hid all sign of life. I walked on the broken glass with my bare feet. It did not harm me for shrapnal was as common as the common cold , pain was just another way of life.
As I looked even farther younder I was able to picture a friend of mine digging in the Earth.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I'm looking for skeletons" he responded.
"Again? You'll never find one"
"You just wait and see!"
Me and Josh. The only 2 on this god-forsaken planet known as planet Earth that are sane. The Solar System was a plague , the creation of life was a joke played onto us by the devil. Why would anyone create this hell? As the planet was lost , we assumed all was possible. Technology was at its peak and a person would forever live a happy life. They made a mistake.
We both got a deadly virus. A virus no one had ever seen before , for it was not known to our populated planet. It's called lonliness. The human's demand for companionship. This is why Josh was digging up a skeleton. He wants a friend. We are enemies , but an anemy nowadays is the same as a peer. You don't hate eachother , but you don't like him much either.
I am very very lonely , I just don't let anyone know.. I talk with an old man once an awhile. He tells me stories of a war. He told me how great my father was. And how we missed it. We missed the chance of a life time.
I remember part of it..
'And the sky became inflamed as weapons let off from the Earth. Space was a dream , and thus became a nightmare. The loss of the jumpnode created panic on the weak. The President ordered a full fledged attack on 75% of the Worlds Population. With no rescources from space , the Earths Population would die of Hunger. Its like killing the animal to take out the numbers.
The people would not sit back and watch as they're friends and family died so they could live. They didn't understand. So they rebelled. Person after person committed suicide attempting to give a word to the higher commands. It' only made them happy. They're plan was working. Then , the second in command of the entire planet , decided it was enough. Why did they have any right to live and they don't? He tied the president to a chair and pushed the self-destruct button.
The few that survived were either on a space-station or totally mutated from a type of raditation ro chemical of some sort. No one knows , and anyone who did know is dead.`
I will never forget it. Me and my father were on a space station. One of the crewman pulled out a weapon and killed my father because he was part of the planet's governemnt and held him responsible for the deaths of his family. One of the other crewman quickly killed him , but it was to late I had already lost my father.
George Smith wiped the blood off of my cloathing and we were formulateing a plan of some sort. The old man told me of this too...
'On the space station , we had no idea what to do. We could either go back to Earth , or stay in the space station. One way or another we'd have to go back to Earth - but it was rubble.
"We are going to go to Earth , we're getting low on air" Someone said.
"Yes , but lets use it to our fullest , do we even know if the air any good back on Earth?"
"No we don't , we have no idea what that weapon does and did."
"Sir , we only have 4 months worth of air left. If we wait 4 months and then go down , and theres no air. We'll still die"
"What about Alex Sir? He's only 8. He dosen't deserve to die"
"We don't deserve to die either!"
"What's wrong with you people? Thinking about yourselves! The Human race is going to extinct!"
"What do you mean?"
"Theres no women staff on this ship! Unless you can figure out a way to create people , we're dead"
"I begin to wounder. Would it have been better if the world went into hunger? Would we have been happier?"
"Yes , indeed we would be. To die with your family is better then dieing alone"
"Good Point , but what about us. Lets say we do get on this planet , theres air. What will we do about water and food? Anything like that on the planet is contaminated"
"This ship has enough food and water to support a Ship of 50 for 20 years"
"Good , there's only 15 of us so that should support us for the rest of our lives"
"Yes , but thats only if the planet has air"`
I wounder what it must have been like. Decideing the fate of a team of 15. I'm glad that one man brought up myself , but I still wounder who it was.
I can feel someone is watching me. He's stareing directly in my eyes. He's telling me its time. I just wish I knew what he means by "Its time". Time for What? I live in question , with my pal Josh. Forever I will remain on this planet. Still I wounder whats going on in deep-space. Did they die too? I suppose I will never know.

Chapter 2

Author: Harrison "Disaster" Rudolph
Story: The Arrival: A Freespace 2 Story
Chaperter: 2 - Survival

Suvival of the Fittest. A man's last words. What a pitty? One of many sorts. To blame one's lack of strength for his own death is foolish. He pushed the button because he wanted to. Not because he had to.
Now , I , Alex must face the truth beneath the life. He spoke of the future , an obviously intelligent man spoke of what was to come for his deed to society. Survival of the fittest was not how he was. It's how we are now...
As I thought of my new discovery I relized that If I wanna live , I'm gunna need rescources. The men on the space station said they had enough food and water to last 20 years for 50 men. They had enough for about 100-120 years with there group of 15. The average life expentency is a centuary , atleast it was the last time I heard of it. I can not live only 1/10 of my life. They need to not use Rescources. They need to die.
But death was a punishment. And they cannot be punished for what they did not do. Maybe if I had received Education I would be able to decide , but I didn't. So I must depend on my wits and basic instincts. And right now all my instincts are saying is 'Live , do whatever it takes. Live , do whatever it takes , Live , Do whatever it takes' forever did that line replay to be even when I slept.
I once again wakeup from my period of a 3 1/2 hours of sleep. The old man said the extreme explosion from the weapon had somehow changed the Earths orbit around the sun. I don't understand how it could ever go below 100 degrees ferinhate and have 24 hr. days! I'm so used to 7 hour days and 15 degrees celcious temp. that I'd just die if that happend.
Perhaps its my iggnorence that leads me to beleive ever story that the old man tells , or perhaps its the fact that he's old. How can you not beleive someone as battered up and trustworthy an as old-man? Especially with this kind of life. I guess I just don't know...
I walk out of the shack every morning and preform my search for a ship from the GTVA comeing back. I know it was pure stupidity , but I also beleived it was pure stupidity not to look . I'm faced with so many questions its surpriseing that I can even think straight anymore.
I slowly walk onto some broken down house scraps. I look around , in search for Josh. But I could not find him.
'He must be playing a joke on me again' I thought.
"Josh! I know your there!!" I screamed.
I waiting for 15 minutes and never heard a word from him. I'm not exactly sure what happend to him really. Its like he just...vanished off the face of the Earth. I yet again get faced with a maltitude of questions.
Do I tell the old man of his Death? No , how do I know that he didn't kill him. Or maybe he'd suspect me of killing him and eatting him or something. Do I keep it to myself? I can't do this either , it'd just hurt so much. It'd also seem suspicous to the others if I didn't say anything about his disapearence. Yet again , they'd suspect me. I went off to talk to the Old man.
I walked past s'more shacks with blood on the floor. It must be from there shrapnal , atleast I sure hoep so. The sky was beginning to turn darker colors. I knew it was getting late and I needed to get to that Old Man quickly. So I ran , as fast as I could.
As I appraoched his shack I took a deep breath and prayed for the best. I took one step in and the Old Man Spoke to me. He said to sit down on his bed. I don't know why I did what I did next. Perhaps it was just it being botteled up in me so tightly.
"Josh. He's dead. I just know he is. You killed him didn't you? You <removed> !!" I said in a deep low voice while itching away from him.
"Josh is dead. But I did not kill him" The OLd man responded.
"Oh yeah! Then who did?!" I said.
"He did"
"Who's he?"
"Josh , killed himself."
I broke out in tears. Josh could not be gone. I knew it now , the old man was a lier!
"Your lieing!"
"I'm sorry Alex. I saw him do it. He was digging with that peice of glass all night. He found no skeletons , I knew he wouldn't. But I didn't want to break that young man's hope. After the 6th Hour , he started crying just as you are now. He took the peice of glass and stabbed himself in the chest with it. Don't leave me Alex , I'll have no one left"
I hugged the old man.
"Its time to go." I said.
"What? Why?" He responded.
"This place , this place is hell on Earth. There must be a place uneffected by the Weapon!"
"Nowhere"
"I Know! Antartica!"
"No , I'm sorry. The ice caps were melted by the blast's heat"
"Why don't we just go!? Are you hideing me away from the world?"
"You know something Alex , I think your right! Its time I showed you this planet. I wounder what it looks like"
"Great! Your the best!"
"Alright , we'll go in the morning"
"We will take the rest?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"There are no others"
"Huh?"
"I've tried hideing this from you for quite the time Alex. The space station's crew was killed in the tragic crash into the Earth"
"But..But...I saw them"
"Those were Holographic images"
"I Felt them.."
"No you didn't"
"But I did! I swear it"
"Then you felt air , c'mon. Get some sleep"
"Yes Sir"

[This message has been edited by Disaster (edited 01-24-2001).]

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Tania Austrailis
Posts: 3322

This guys crazy...

He's a crazy f00 I tell ya!

And H4 see?! 501!

U = wrong!

[This message has been edited by Snipes (edited 01-24-2001).]

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Registered: Aug 2000
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Posts: 105

Very good in my opinion... although Antartica isn't ALL ice. When the ice melts there is a continent underneath, although most of that continent would be submerged underwater from the melted polar caps. There probably would be a little bit that wasnt affected, tho. Perhaps Greenland too.

Otherwise, excellent

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Registered: Aug 2000
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Posts: 813

Very, very good so far. Honestly, it may challenge the best.

------------------
Jennings
- Project Manager
- Red Faction Watch
- [url="http://www.volitionwatch.com"]www.volitionwatch.com[/url]

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Registered: Aug 2000
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Posts: 813

The one BIG thing is your tenses. You're going from stuff like "I walked past him" to stuff like "I walk on some glass." Those are two different tenses, pick one.

"Walked" is past tense, "I walk" is present. You have to stay in one tense for smooth reading. I suggest past tense, it's what just about all books are written in (except for the book 'All Quiet on the Western Front').

------------------
Jennings
- Project Manager
- Red Faction Watch
- [url="http://www.volitionwatch.com"]www.volitionwatch.com[/url]

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Terrapin Station
Posts: 344

quote:

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Originally posted by Jennings:
(except for the book 'All Quiet on the Western Front').

---

Ha! We're watching that movie in history class now!

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Earth
Posts: 512

To get back on topic. Fantomeye , whatca think of it?

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Registered: Aug 2000
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quote:

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Originally posted by Fantomeye:
Ha! We're watching that movie in history class now!

---

Ah!! Isn't it cool! The book is like 10x better, as usual

------------------
Jennings
- Project Manager
- Red Faction Watch
- [url="http://www.volitionwatch.com"]www.volitionwatch.com[/url]

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Registered: Aug 2000
Location: Terrapin Station
Posts: 344

Hehe, isn't it always? Anyways, we get to miss class, and the movie is good too. I'm liking em both

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Earth
Posts: 512

Jennings. Your a big eye! Your supposed to get things on topic! Argh!

Fantomeye what do you think of it?

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Registered: Jul 2000
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Hmm... interesting post-apocalyptic after contact with Sol is back...

Here's some tips, first of all think of what this plague is, who made it, and why. (now Shivans making a plague is completely against what we know of them, so if you decide to do that then make one very good explanation for it such as "They've done it to thousands of species in the past, we just didn't know about it until now...")

Overall, it shows promise, just get a good editor and you'll have a WINAR!

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Ace
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[url="http://adamantpacified.org/"]http://adamantpacified.org/[/url]

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Earth
Posts: 512

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ace:
Hmm... interesting post-apocalyptic after contact with Sol is back...

Here's some tips, first of all think of what this plague is, who made it, and why. (now Shivans making a plague is completely against what we know of them, so if you decide to do that then make one very good explanation for it such as "They've done it to thousands of species in the past, we just didn't know about it until now...")

Overall, it shows promise, just get a good editor and you'll have a WINAR!

---

Re-REad it bro. They still haven't gotten contact back. This is the survival of a 19 year old teen-ager who survives Hell On Earth. Its Earth , after the chaos struct. It'll get better

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Registered: Jul 2000
Location: Lo-Fidelity All Star
Posts: 2273

did you consider posting this on [url="http://www.warpstorm.com"]warpstorm?[/url]

I suggest you do.

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Registered: Jul 2000
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Disaster, from what I read there is no line stating that Sol is still cut off from the rest of the universe.

Also, the fact that they do say 'GTVA' adds to this assumption since when Sol was cut off there was no GTVA, simply the GTA and VPE. (and since the GTVA has never received communications from within the Sol system, we must assume that Sol cannot receive the communications versa. {this is due to their using sub-space communications, and most allied systems are too far for radio or microwave transmissions to reach Sol in under a century save for Alpha Centauri which is part of a large system of multiple stars that would distort the signals})

So please work in a way to describe the above or you'll receive a lot more confused readers...

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Ace
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[This message has been edited by Ace (edited 01-24-2001).]

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Ace:
Hmm... interesting post-apocalyptic after contact with Sol is back...

Here's some tips, first of all think of what this plague is, who made it, and why. (now Shivans making a plague is completely against what we know of them, so if you decide to do that then make one very good explanation for it such as "They've done it to thousands of species in the past, we just didn't know about it until now...")

Overall, it shows promise, just get a good editor and you'll have a WINAR!

---

Mis-read again. This had nothing to do with a plague bro. This was set upon themselves by themselves. I suggest you read over the 2 chapters but slowly this time. Its sorta hard to read with all the erros

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I'm sorry to also say that you never mention that it is set upon themselves by themselves, if it is there it's in some very well hidden line...

I'm not trying to tear this apart, but please do include all of the information the reader needs to know at the begining of a story like this when it begins by tying it into the plot...

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Ace
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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Tania Austrailis
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S0 h4w t0 j00! J00 cr4zy f00 D1s4st3r!

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Registered: Oct 2000
Location: Earth
Posts: 512

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ace:
I'm sorry to also say that you never mention that it is set upon themselves by themselves, if it is there it's in some very well hidden line...

I'm not trying to tear this apart, but please do include all of the information the reader needs to know at the begining of a story like this when it begins by tying it into the plot...

---

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Disaster:
I am a Big f00!

---

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...I'm sorry to say that you still didn't fully understand what I meant...

Yes I know the Solar System itself is not supposed to be the plague.

However despite your wanting it to be vague, it still doesn't mean that because Sol is like a plague, a joke, a living hell, that it is isolated from the alliance mainly because those similies don't include anything about being cut-off from the alliance.

Adding into that line a word like exile, and replacing GTVA with GTA would make it perfectly clear that Sol is still isolated.

Without those two small things, there will be a lot of confusion.

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Ace
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