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Red Faction Watch: Miscellaneous Reviews

Posted by ivan:

Saw on the Official site that there are a bunch of reviews floating around of the PS2 version of RF. Where the hell are my NUON reviews!?! Son of a bitch, how am I supposed to know whether to invest my 3,000 dollars cash, money, green in a NUON capable DivX player if I don't have any bleeding reviews?

First down the pipe is a review from Gamer's mark where they give the game a perfect ten out of ten. Basically this review is total crap and is filled to the brim with so much misinformation and fallacy that it makes me sick. Bitch Ass (as I will now refer to the reviewer) screws up the beginning of the story, claims 99.9 percent of the game is geo-moddable, and then goes on to gripe about every single category but still winds up giving it a perfect score. From the review I'd gather he was leading up to an eight out of ten or so, but such is not the case. At one point Bitch Ass even refers to Quake as a "typical murder simulator." Oh joy of all joys... How are people like this able to master the use of opposable thumbs let alone the world wide computar intraweb? Whee, I'm a fanboy! Mortyr was a perfect ten you stupid f4ggnot head! I'm not even going to actually link the review as it would dirty this site's good reputation.

Next down the pipe that is the ivan shooting gallery is a review from Sony Web, whose first line immediately destroys any shred of credibility they may have had... "With Geo-Mode Technology and hype galore, Red Faction has been one of the more anticipated games of May." …Yeah Mama, I gots me a job at Sorny Web workin' them there vidjeo games. Tell Clethro and Jebba I love 'em all, ya hear? Your son gonna makes you proud Mama. You'ze just watch me write up ma' Red Fackage review… Seriously, the review ain't all that bad, and while I don't entirely agree with what is said, a nine score is understandable, so you have my permission to check it out.

Okay, here's one from Game "Where the hell do all these sites come from?" Maniacs. While this one botches some of the weapon names and calls Timesplitters *shudder* a contender, it's a pretty fair assessment of the game that ends with an eight out of ten score. Although, I am somewhat under the impression that this person may not have actually even played through the entire thing, but what do I know? Check it out and judge for yourself.

Finally, the July 2001 issue of EGM, which of course stands for Eclectic Gun Molesters, contains a review of RF. I haven't seen this one, because I just don't care, but they apparently gave it an “8 in visuals, an 8 in sound, an 8 in ingenuity, and a 7 in replay.” According to Wolfey anyway, whose severe Tylenol snorting addiction has been known to affect his judgement from time to time, but you didn't here it from me, because I'm not one to gossip.

Later gators.